A Fine and Peculiar Place

Good morning, gentle readers. Damn, l've been lazy! l hadn't realized it's been over a week since my last post!

First, Mom is still doing pretty well in the hospital. They have begun giving her a soft diet--broth, soup, pudding, ice cream, and gelatin, that kind of stuff--in getting her ready to leave. She will not come directly home, she is nowhere near ready for that; she'll go to a rehab facility either in Grandview or south KC for a time, and then be sent home from one of those places.
None of this means she's going to get any better. lt means that the hospital can't do more for her than it already has. They are going to send her towards home because that is where Mom wants to be in her last days. And a lump has appeared in my throat now that l've said that.

Next, l went to my first Royals game of the year on Tuesday night. One of the countermen at the Mausoleum gave me the tickets, he thinks the Royals are gonna suck the whole year. l went with my friend Jay Manifold ( whose own blog, the infinitely superior A Voyage To Arcturus, l've referred to you in the past, and will do so in future) (the link for that is http://avoyagetoarcturus.blogspot.com--go, and ye shall receive wisdom) and we mostly sat and watched our hometown team fail to do jack shit on the bases in spite of having the best center fielder in the major leagues today--Carlos Beltran--in the lineup. We left before they came up in the bottom of the 7th innning, so fortunately we were spared the misery of watching as they loaded the bases on walks, and only scored one runin the process. lf that wasn't bad enough, they did it againin the bottom of the ninth. l've had to keep repeating to myself, "lt's only April...it's only April..." most of the month. l'm not giving up on the team, they have plenty of time to turn things around, but if it doesn't happen fast they'll dig a hole for themselves they can't get out of. l keep in mind that this time last year it was us kicking ass and never mind the names or chewing the bubble gum, while the Twins and White Sox were the ones struggling out of the gate. But after the All-Star break, we started to run out of gas at the same time those two teams got their respective second winds. We were in it until September, but the Twins pulled away and won the '03 Central Divison pennant. So l like to think that this year it could be the other way around!

Oh, and last night the Royals snapped their losing streak with a 5-3 win over the Texas Rangers. Hope does indeed spring eternal.

Finally, l am going back down to the USDA office in Harrisonville this morning to apply to either assume the existing loan on A Fine and Peculiar Place or at least get my name added to the house. She's supposed to be there this time, and dammit she'd better be there...

Good evening, gentle readers.

l ended last night's post so abruptly because even though it seemed--to me at least-- that there was something more l could say, l didn't have any more; and one thing l've learned so far from this little experiment in sounding off is that even if you think that there are words, it's stupid to try to force them. l find myself in the same position tonight, in a way, but this time l'm not struggling to put into words what has happened to Mom out of frustration or futility (not that those are far away), but out of a sense of...hope.

Mom has been undergoing another chemo treatment today.

The kicker is...it's having a positve effect.

Phyl tells me that the chemo has actually shrunk the cancer, and reduced the level of bilirubin in her system (which her traitorous liver had been flooding with the stuff for at least the last month) from a very scary 17 to a relatively reasonable level of 7.2! Her color, which was orange (even in her eyes) as recently as Sunday, has improved greatly in the last two days. This after we had become convinced that the formula they're using was failing to do anything but make her miserable. So...today, another chemo treatment.

None of this means there is going to be some kind of miraculous turnaround, although l admit to feeling a leap in my chest when Phyl told me about it. lt only means that Mom is going to be around a little longer than we expected. She may get to see the month of May after all. That's okay, we don't mind.

Good evening, gentle readers. Mom was about the same this evening, awake and aware as she was yesterday evening. l didn't stay very long--only about 15 minutes--and then Phyl wanted to go and for me to leave with her, ostensibly because there was a major thunderstorm due to hit Peculiar, and neither of us wanted to be caught out driving in it. l didn't go home right away--l ran a couple of minor errands first. Phyl had gone to see Alex in the nursing home when l got back to AF&PP, but she came back half an hour after l got here. She has confirmed that Mom is very close to making a decision. As lucid as she is, she is now completely unable to leave her bed or even sit in a chair. ln her own words, she's not living, she's existing; and she has been saying for years that she does not want her death to be a long, drawn-out process. Today she talked with one of her doctors (not the one who kept trying chemo even though he already knew it would be ineffective, except to make her sicker than she already is; the closest he came to showing his face today was peeking in her room and giving her a little wave...that must be what he calls his bedside manner) who she said was very comforting during their conversation, and then later talked more with Phyl, who is going back tomorrow to talk with her more and finally help her toward the decision she must make.

Good evening, gentle readers. l spent a couple of hours with Mom yesterday afternoon and she was seldom awake, though she was aware l was there. lt was hard to keep her attention, and harder for her to speak...what a surprise to go in to see her tonight and find her awake, aware, and not drifting in and out as she has been doing for the past week at least. lt was the chemo they were using on her, of course; it was finally wearing off. Even if Phyl didn't have durable power of attorney on Mom's behalf, they won't be giving her any more of it, either; her platelet count was so low they didn't dare give her more. And Phyl would put a stop to it now in any case.

ln other news, l'm still recovering from a small epiphany from earlier this evening. One thing l have learn to deal with now that l'm trying to take over the loan on AF&PP is keeping up the lawn. The problem is, l've been living in apartments so long l've gotten used to not bothering myself about such trivial details. The people who sold us the house have--for a not-so-nominal fee--been cutting the grass since we moved in, but that's not a financially practical move. So, l've been forced to start looking for a lawnmower, a search made more urgent by our P.I.T.A .( that's pain-in-the-ass to you) neighbor, who has already used his tractor to mow our yard for us-- uninvited--once, making it a priority in order to prevent any further unwelcome neighborly assistance. (We gave him five bucks, and we were not thrillled about doing it. Really, why should obnoxious behavior be rewarded?) l haven't yet found what l'm looking for, but l have finally bought my first power tool: a cordless weed eater, which is also necessary to get those hard to reach spots my soon to be acquired mower won't be able to get at. Tonight, after digging the weeds out of the little bed of wood chips next to the driveway and turning them over (my P.I.T.A. neighbor graciously gave me permission to do the same for him after l was finished with mine...his exact words were, "After you're finished with yours, you can do the same to mine." l felt so privileged, l damn near creamed my jeans) l fired up the 12-volt battery-powered monster and turned it loose on an unsuspecting lot of weeds like a tornado on a trailer park. lt did away even with some tough weeds l'd have thought it wouldn't work on, but by this time it was getting darker by the minute, so l'm sure l either missed something or didn't quite cut it enough. lt's a good thing l wasn't aiming for perfection, because l hadn't run a weed eater since l was in my early 20's.

While l was doing all this, l found myself thinking that this is what it's like...to live in a suburb. And l began hearing a song in my mind, Joe Walsh's "Ordinary Average Guys." One verse resonated in particular:

"And every Saturday we work in the yard
Pick up the dog doo, hope that it's hard
We're just ordinary average guys..."

l am one the verge of becoming an ordinary average guy. And l'm not sure whether or not l like it.

Good morning, gentle readers.

First, Phyl has finally gotten Mom to give her durable power of attorney as of yesterday morning. lt was very likely harder for Phyl to do this than it was for my oldest brother Mike before his death, but now it's done. That means Mom will not suffer more chemo, which was at this point and in her condition worse than useless anyway. Phyl will have put a stop to it.

l fully expect to attend Mom's funeral before the end of the month.

Second, l was let go from my dishwashing job at the Guacamole Grille, also yesterday morning. l was expecting it, in a way; tthat location does almost no business during Saturdays, and all l do is wash dishes once a week. So l wasn't exactly heartbroken at the news. lt allowed me to go see Mom for a while yesterday and (sort of) enjoy a nice, sunny Saturday instead of beating my brains out on that dishline. And l never got my hands on any of the waitresses anyway.

Third, l took the papers l had to fill out in order to try to assume the loan on AF&PP back to the USDA office last Thursday. lt had to be Thursday because that's the only time l can meet the woman (whose name for some reason escapes me) who takes the applications; she works out of Butler, MO, which is an impractical drive for me, and only appears at the closest office in Harrisonville on that day of the week. Unfortunately, she wasn't there and l was told she would not be back until the 29th.

l can only hope that's not the day of Mom's funeral...

Good evening, gentle readers. Apologies all round to those of you who've been flocking to AF&PP in anticipation of my latest outpouring of wisdom...

Oh, stop laughing. lt wasn't THAT funny...

l'm able to be a little bit lighthearted tonight because Mom was lucid for the first time in days. After the last chemo treatment on this past Friday, she spent much of the time asleep, and when she was awake, she was barely lucid. l haven't been to see her since Monday night, but Phyl went by both last night and tonight, and said she was improved--at least as improved as she can be now. But she's still being stubborn about giving Phyl power of attorney; she's sure that if she does it means the end. lf she has any more chemo, the decision could be taken out of her hands. But what the hell, at least tonight she was talking again and for the most part making sense. Sometimes, when there is little to be joyful about, we can still take what small joys we can.

Unfortunately, this is taking a toll on Phyl; today she had to see a doctor for herself. She did not tell my why, but she did tell me the doctor prescribed an antibiotic for her, which she has to take for a couple of weeks.

l haven't completed the forms l'm supposed to fill out for USDA, in order to take over the house at AF&PP. l've been going over them the last couple nights, but there are things l need to clarify on them before l can get them done. So tomorrow when l take them back down to the USDA office, l'll be going over them with the woman l got the forms from last week. This is a government thing, and as everyone knows, filling out government forms is just SO refreshing.

Good morning, gentle readers. Phyl is going back down to the hospital again to meet with Mom's doctor this morning; I'm not certain why, but l'd guess it's because Mom is still being obstinate about the decision she has to make. Phyl tells me that whenever she or the doctors try to talk to Mom about it, she just turns her poor head away. l also think that today Phyl will finally get Mom to give her durable power of attorney, another thing Mom keeps avoiding, because she doesn't want to leave decisions regarding her care up to someone else while she's able to make them herself. lt's a necessary thing, because Mom may not be able to do that for much longer.

l've already received the packet of application forms l will need to fill out to apply for assumption of the loan on A Fine and Peculiar Place. Tomorrow will be a busy day, because l'll need to see both Mom and Alex, and begin filling out the paperwork so l can stay here.

l should speak of my brother Alex. He's the one in the nursing home, having suffered a second major stroke just before we moved into AF&PP a year ago. That is going to be a very difficult post, far harder than the one about my day job in the Mausoleum. l'm under a little time pressure just now, so it'll have to wait until this evening.

Good morning, gentle readers.

The house l live in is a three-bedroom, two-bath duplex. lt's pretty much the nicest place l've ever been associated with. Mom purchased it with my brother Alex through a Department of Agriculture program intended to populate rural areas by providing low-cost housing for people with limited finances. At the time, l didn't go in on the house with them because l was hopeful of finding my own place, but that never materialized. Now, Mom is terminal and Alex will be in a nursing home for the rest of his life, so yesterday l went down to the USDA office to inquire about assuming the loan. The early response is positive; l'm in the best income bracket to qualify. Failing that, l can apply for a smaller, 2-bedroom home nearby. lf it doesn't work out, this blog will likely become A Fine and California(MO) Place, because l'll end up living down in California, MO with Phyl and her family. lt's also possible that l could finally see the ocean for the first time in my life, but that's farther down the road.

There is still a chance that Mom could come home from the hospital, if only long enough to pass into her final rest here. At first l thought she would be better off there, but now l begin to think that if her body leaves here, perhaps her spirit--or the best of it, at least--might remain.

Mom still hasn't made her decision. l visited with her for a half hour last night, and again, she was seldom awake, so l left to let her rest. Talking with Phyllis last night, l learned that the reason she has so much trouble staying awake is because the cancer is winning the battle. She will eventually pass into a coma, and she will not wake up from it when she does. Phyl broke down in tears for a moment--the first time since Mom was originally diagnosed--telling me all of this. lf nothing else could have made what is happening to Mom real for me, that would have done it. Phyl has gone back to the hospital this morning to be with Mom, and she will probably become Mom's durable power of attorney, in case Mom slips away before making the decision for herself.

Good morning, gentle readers.

My sister Phyllis will go down to the hospital later this morning, where she and Mom will meet with Mom's doctors. The doctors will make it clear that there is nothing else they can do for her, and Phyl will help her to decide whether or not to come home, or to stay in the hospital where she can be made more comfortable until the end. That decision is almost certainly already made; last night Phyl told me that Mom wants to come home.

Either way, it will not be much longer for her now.

Good evening, gentle readers. l went to visit Mom in the hospital tonight. Friday evening she received a chemo treatment, which on the surface hasn't done much other than make her sick(er) and even more jaundiced. Today she went in for an MRI; we should learn the results tomorrow or Wednesday. My sister Phyllis was there when l arrived, and we stayed until 6:30, but Mom was never more than halfway awake, so we let her sleep. lt was unsettling to watch her tonight; she looked as if she were rehearsing for a much longer, deeper sleep. Phyl also told me that Mom had told her that she had been feeling noticeably weaker since last Friday, which might be because of the chemo formula they used, since it was one they hadn't previously tried...but it was hard not to think that the slope Mom is on has become just a little steeper.

Today marked the beginning of the Royals' 2004 season. They finished their spring training Cactus League games with a winning record, and today won their first game of the regualar season in dramatic fashion, scoring six runs in the bottom of the ninth innning to win 9-7! l had a moment of amusement this morning listening to KZPL 97.3 FM when the morning show hosts started blathering about how exited they were about the Royals. lt was bullshit, of course. Last winter, WHB 810 AM outbid the local radio competition for the rights to broadcast Royals' games. When scheduling conflicts arose, making some broadcasts impossible, the company which owns both WHB and KZPL decided that KZPL would carry some of the games. This outraged KZPL, and they filed suit in court to block being forced to broadcast any games, saying their format was geared to alternative rock, not baseball. They lost the case, of course. The decision had been made by ownership, and didn't require their input. l suppose it's possible they just wanted raise a stink, so somebody among the higher-ups would know they weren't pleased with being forced to interrupt their regular programming for baseball, never mind that KCFX 101.1 FM has had no difficulty being a classic rock station while at the same time broacasting Chiefs' games. So it seems to me that KZPL might give its listeners a little more credit instead of going off the deep end and filing lawsuits and other corporate paper waste.